My cold day of December

“Before you go, please always remember this; that once in your life, you’ve met a person like me, thank you for everything you’ve shared with me and though it’s not the same, I’ll always love you up to the core of your existence. Take care… ”

Waking up one cold day of December, I stared on the ceiling of my room, the pinkness of the color seems gloomy to me, and my atmosphere is a deep melancholy. Rain started pouring outside. I can see my window moist as time passes by. The weather is cold; enough to remind me that this day would be the start of my coldest days of my life. I replay that day in my head as I saw him cry for the first time. I also saw his immediate downfall of emotions as I utter words of farewell to him. I know he’d been honest to me. The problem is not with him, I think it’s upon me. My irrational decisions left him wounded along the way.

Waking up one cold day of December, I smiled at the thought of him cuddling me early in the morning of spring, his silent whispers of love that caresses the whole entity of me, wishing that time will stop at that moment and hold onto it forever. His sweet melodic rhythms as he plays the piano that makes my heart fall to him over and over again. But going back to the reality, I was alone. He haunts my thoughts and smile faded away to my face as I saw the images clearly. He was leaving the place, so was I; even pain could not suffice my emptiness. I cannot rely on my strength alone. I’m getting weaker at the thought of him in pain.

Waking up one cold day of December, I absently hug the bear he’d given me. This reminds me of him even more. I glanced around the room and more things remind me of him. His letters that reminds me of sweet and lovely lines that makes me flattered every time I read them. His painting of me that he’d given on our anniversary. Slowly, tears fell down my cheeks, my heart beat even faster and I started to break down. This agony covered the whole entity of me. It’s as if my whole existence is living in the deepest grave of nothingness.

Waking up one cold day of December, I hardly have the strength to get up. I wish I was still asleep up to eternity. I simply couldn’t just bear this pain within me. I feel I’m regretting what I’ve done. I feel very sorry for everything that I’ve foolishly, irrationally did. But I also feel it’s too late. I wish I can turn back time, I wish that he would still be mine but damage is done, though I’m sorry for it, I can’t turn it back for the reason that I’ve already broke his heart.

Waking up one cold day of December, I can still feel the pangs of farewell to my body, though I’m in pain; I don’t give a care, it’s my own fault. I know he would still love me no matter what. But that’s not going to be the same as before. I love him but it’s just me that complicates everything. I never had and I will never have anymore same as like him ever again. I can probably left, live my world but as memory last until the end, I would always remember that once in journey of life, I met someone who touched my heart with sincerity and nourished my very being. I would be thankful for what he’d done in my life.

Waking up one cold day of December…

One cold December

“I’m sorry for all these stupid things. I didn’t mean it. I still love you but things aren’t just right on our part so I have no choice but to let you go.”

Nursing my cup of coffee on a cold morning of December, my eyes are wary and wasted from the dreary night of nothingness. As I look up the window, the sun is nowhere to be found. All over the place are dark clouds that linger with the wind. The coldness of the weather made my body shiver, enough to remember that this day will be starting to be different from the rest. That I, myself will be alone again in my own world, in my own despair, in my own ignorance, back to passiveness and a cold stone heart.

Nursing my cup of coffee on a cold morning of December, I couldn’t help my thoughts overflow through me. I see her in a different light, her hair was the wavy dark I would always love, eyes that mesmerizes me every time I look at it, her body that sways in the sound of music every time I play the piano, the way she snuggles to me every time we’re together. I couldn’t do anything but smile yet behind that smile is the reminder that it won’t last forever. Still the pain would overwhelm me in the end.

Nursing my cup of coffee on a cold morning of December, only her face is in the view of my thoughts. Though I tried to shake it away, but still it lingers at the every corner of my memory. From the simple material things that reminds me of her and up to the moments of highest intimacies. She haunts me. I couldn’t resist the feeling to have her one more time but time itself is not cooperative to my plea. Recalling the moment that I should consider as our last conversation brings my soul to the deep abyss of my most dreadful nightmares I never dared to imagine.

Nursing my cup of coffee on a cold morning of December, I vividly recall the moments that shows the signs of ending yet I still try not to be passive about things and act positively on the matter, yet her approach made me ache from my very being and it seems that my essence starts to wither and die. Her agony that paints to her whole existence numbs my heart and my mind asking God why it should happen to me and not to other person instead. I think I do not deserve it, I’ve become what she wants me to be and at the same time I made it to the point that I’ve become what I wanted to be that doesn’t contradicts to her. Still, it seems that fate has its own ways to engage and distort every being in particular. I felt numb as she rushed the words of her final sentiments to me. The pain itself had become my anesthesia from my soul to heart and to the mind.

Nursing my cup of coffee on a cold morning of December, I blankly stared at the window with my eyes battered from an uneventful night. This day would be a new life for a once pleasant world that is separated by circumstances. I also felt sorry for the absences I’ve done in her life that now I was left with one option, to stand and leave the world that once we’ve shared. I can handle it, I can live without that world but I hope she would realize one day that once in her life, she can’t replace anyone similar to me.

Nursing my cup of coffee…

Over a cup of Coffee

"Value the people who have touched your life because you will never know just when they will walk out of your life and never come back again."

I can still remember the last time we met, it was our anniversary, and I was so excited on our date. We’ve been together for almost two years and I cannot explain the happiness that I’m feeling at that moment. She said we would meet at the same old café; her voice on the other line seems too soft and lame. Perhaps it was because she was still groggy from sleep. I wore the best clothes I have, sprayed my perfume, fixed my hair and check out my bucks. It was enough to celebrate the whole day through. I left the house with a big smile on my face. As I enter the café, she was not yet there, so I ordered my favorite mocha latte and looked for a table. She came in twenty minutes later.

As I saw her, I smiled at her but she returns it with a weak one. My heartbeat got faster at that instance but I tried to regain my composure. She sat in front of me; no hugs, no kiss or even a simple greeting. I asked her if there’s something wrong. She told me that we need to talk about some matters involving the two of us. Then she started crying. I don’t like this, I thought. I never saw her cry like that before. Every time that we’re together I always make her smile and was always successful. We had the least of arguments on minimal matters and we reconcile eventually when we argue. But looking at her at that moment, it’s as if we were always fighting and as if I always hurt her. Then she stopped crying and inhaled deeply.

With melancholic eyes, she looked at me and told me she was sorry. I replied that it was fine, then, I asked what is troubling her. She told me she was really sorry and she feels very guilty. Then the next sentence struck my heart so deeply. She told me that she doesn’t love me anymore, she feels cold whenever she thinks of me, and she already felt it when I failed to go home for almost three months. I was stunned by her words. I never imagined that she would give up on me; I never thought I would be placed on a situation like this and I never expected that she would fall out of love for me in a short period of time. After she told me everything, she stood up and turned around to leave. I tried to call her back but my voice failed me, I tried to stand but my legs were numb and I realized in the end that I have no strength to get up at all. Before she reached the door, she turned to me and with mumbling lips, she told me the last three words: I am sorry.

Like an earthquake, it ruined everything about us; even our friendship was lost, I lost my communication with her completely. My friend told me that it could happen to those people who fell in love in a wrong time. During those moments, I held on to many things in life. I started to realize that distance can ruin even the best of intentions; that human as we are, we are bound to feel everything and we are capable of being hurt. We must not rush the things and learn to detach to those things which were left behind. I lived a life of solitude and kept myself busy from the things that matters most at that moment. I avoid things that would trigger her mere memory. In the end I’ve became a silent, I can feel my heart turned cold as stone. Once, I started thinking of our last meeting and our supposed to be happy anniversary. I’ve come to a point of realizing that over a cup of coffee, I was able to see my love for the last time. Over a cup of coffee, I was able to experience the worst pain that I ever had in my life. Over a cup of coffee, my life was shattered into pieces. Over a cup of coffee, my heart sank in deep wilderness.

"Life can be so tough sometimes. It can ruin everything you’ve planned or it can be a vehicle in helping you to succeed in living the life you wanted to. A tale of love often comes when you least expect it."

For almost a year, I managed to pick up the fragments of my life that was shattered by the tragedy. Then one day the unexpected happened. I was strolling one afternoon when I passed by the café, I gave it a thought and entered it. I ordered the same latte that I ordered the last time I was there and I sat at the table where I waited for her. I was nervous as I seat down, I thought I couldn’t handle it, but I was wrong. As I sat, I feel nothing so I smiled and congratulated myself for moving on. At least I can start to be normal again. I thought it was.

I’m busy nursing my hot latte when someone sat in front of me; I glanced up and froze in what I saw. I was surprised that she’s in front of me and smiling. She said hello, I said hi. I was dazzled by her appearance but I controlled myself from being surprised. She didn’t let me ask; instead she shared everything that had happened to her since the day she left me. I thought she just shared it out of nonchalance but I was wrong. I learned the she too was ruined and deeply wounded but she overcomes it through a rebound. That rebound didn’t last long and in the end, she told me that her heart was longing for my presence. I was left astounded of her statement.

I’m living a life of solitude; I have learned the art of being alone. But as I sit in my place right now, staring at her, I cannot resist the emotions that started flowing deep within me. It was almost a year since I’ve changed my lifestyle. I kept myself busy all through out the year. I managed to keep the pain inside me; I become numb of every memory that flashes back. I thought I have overcome everything about her. But this very moment, I’ve started to think otherwise; my mind is arguing with my heart whether to accept her again or leave her forever. My mind tells me every details of pain and tragedy of our relationship, on the other hand, my heart shows me the sweetest of memory that we’ve cherished from the past. I’m confronted by a situation, it’s as if fate is testing me on how would I deal in times like this.

Meeting her was fate, becoming her friend was my choice but falling in love with her was beyond my control. During that moment, I couldn’t think right so I told her that my heart never closes its door to the one I truly love but I told her that I’m still picking up the fragments of my life. She fell silent and I smiled and told her that she can help me pick up the rest. Then I asked her if she wanted a cup of coffee and it’s my treat. In the end, I realized that over a cup of coffee, I was able to feel the same old love that burns with passion in my soul.